Life in Balance - “What We Can Learn From Millennials, Who May be Saving the Bond of Marriage”

Kim Fields:    In tonight’s Life in Balance: Could millennials be saving the bond of marriage? That’s what one study suggests as the rate of divorce in America makes a significant drop. And one local therapist says Generation Xers and baby boomers could learn something from the millennials when it comes to marriage.

Kim Fields:    There is good news when it comes to the state of marriage. The divorce rate is dropping. For years it had been increasing, skyrocketing in the 1960’s and ‘70s. But the latest census data shows a pretty big drop. Eighteen percent between 2008 and 2016. At least one study says that’s thanks to millennials. The study found millennials are waiting to marry until they’re older when careers and finances are more stable, which experts say can lead to more stable marriages. But there’s something else we can learn from millennials. They go to therapy.

Wendy Barth:    I think a lot of younger people, because they don't feel nearly the same stigma that older people do, will seek out marriage counseling much earlier, They kind of expect to have some rough patches in their relationship.

Kim Fields:    Wendy Barth, who specializes in marriage counseling and couples therapy, says 75 percent of her clients are millennials.

Wendy Barth:    They're not as averse to help. It's not a bad thing, so they'll come in sooner and take preventative measures so they don't get to a bad place.

Kim Fields:    Compared to the average couple who waits six years before turning to professional help.

Wendy Barth:    Which means really six years of resentment, six years of really unhappy times.

Kim Fields:    A lot of build-up.

Wendy Barth:    A lot of build-up.

Kim Fields:    Infidelity, finances, lack of intimacy, and family issues are some of the leading reasons for divorce. But Barth believes there is more to it.

Wendy Barth:    Those tend to be maybe the trigger for the argument, but really it still comes down to the emotional safety issue and what each person is feeling underneath. The worry. The fear, So a lot of times couples are continuously having the same argument over and over again, how to load the dishwasher. Something silly like that. And it's really not about the dishwasher, it's about, 'Do you care about me?'

Kim Fields:   Barth says just as an infant or child needs a strong attachment bond with their parent, couples need a sense of security and emotional safety with the person they love the most.

Wendy Barth:   Whenever that’s out of whack, people tend to start to protect themselves from hurt and rejection and abandonment. And most of the time there are just two people that have started to get rigid and defensive. And those kinds of traits if they develop over time can lead to the demise of the marriage for sure. Being angry as a means of protecting yourself from getting hurt, being shut off. Stonewalling your partner. Those are things that have been researched that will predict the demise of the marriage.

Kim Fields:    Barth says you have to break that negative pattern. And one of her favorite books that she recommends is called “Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.”

Kim Fields:    I really learned a lot from her. I really did. I mean she says it all boils down to that attachment and the need for security and emotional safety with our partner. And when we don’t feel that, for whatever reasons, we become angry as a means of protecting ourselves from getting hurt. And then we shut off the other partner maybe or we stonewall them and she says that can lead to the demise of a marriage.

Mark Johnson: I love that. Talk to your partner the way you would want them to talk to you.

Kim Fields:    Right.

Mark Johnson: Without sarcasm, you know, any of that silly stuff.

Kim Fields:    Yeah, yeah. And I really was surprised to hear that millennials are not afraid to ask for help. Even for preventative help. They want that healthy marriage. And maybe it was because they saw their folks go through rocky times. The divorce rate was high when they were growing up. So, I don’t know. I thought it was really interesting.

Mark Johnson: That’s interesting. I like it.